


are you asleep?

by fullmetalscully



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: Crack Fic, F/M, Fluff, Humor, Spooning, THERE WAS ONLY ONE BED, but not as we know it, if fma was a romcom, this is the shenanigans i imagine royai would get up to, threat of comedic violence but with no intent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:40:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24868516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fullmetalscully/pseuds/fullmetalscully
Summary: "Lieutenant, are you asleep?" he whispered."Yes," she barked."No, you're not.""Sir, if you do not stop talking I will chokeslam you through the desk across the room."
Relationships: Riza Hawkeye/Roy Mustang
Comments: 14
Kudos: 101





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> thank you to the two anons on tumblr who fired me an ask looking for some humour/crack. this was what my brain came up with from that lmao so i hope you like it. it made me laugh at least! and i guess that's what its all about :)

"Lieutenant –"

"Shut up," Hawkeye barked before he could even finish saying the word.

Roy sighed and lifted one arm up over his head, bringing the hand to rest behind his head as he shifted in place to make himself more comfortable. It was not the most ideal situation to be in, but they were both adults. They would deal with it.

Sighing again was another mistake.

"Shut _up_!" Hawkeye hissed next to him.

"I didn't say anything!" he protested.

"You sighed."

"So, what? Now I'm not allowed to breathe?"

"No."

Roy scoffed.

"No, you're not," Hawkeye ground out. "Because it's irritating and I'm trying to sleep."

He fell silent, making a point to exhale loudly through his nose. Hawkeye stiffened beside him and Roy could’ve sworn he heard her growl. Well, two could play at the "being petty while irritated" game.

Silence fell and Roy knew sleep wasn't going to come to him. He was too alert. He was too aware of his position inside this hotel room... And his Lieutenant's position in the room as well.

It was a while before anyone made any sound. Roy had ended up lost in thought, staring up at the flaking paint on the ceiling above him.

"Lieutenant, are you asleep?" he whispered.

"Yes," she barked.

"No, you're not."

"Sir, if you do not stop talking I _will_ chokeslam you through the desk across the room."

Roy spluttered at her threat. But to be perfectly honest, she would probably follow through.

"I just want to talk," he reasoned.

"What could we possibly discuss right now that can't wait until morning?"

"I don't know," he finally answered after a struggle. "I just –"

"Sir," she interrupted him, although the heat of her glare was enough to bring him pause too once she'd sat up and turned around to face him. "Go. To. Sleep. We have a busy day ahead of us tomorrow and need all the rest we can get."

"But –" he interjected, sitting up from lying down on the bed they currently had to share.

"Oh my _God_."

Abruptly, Hawkeye stood and grabbed a pillow angrily. She stomped around the bed and grabbed one of the decorative blankets the hotel had provided to cover the bed.

"Where are you going?" Roy frowned.

Hawkeye just glared at him as she threw her pillow onto the floor then crouched, disappearing from view.

"I'm not letting you sleep on the floor," he exclaimed.

"I'm perfectly happy here. Much happier, in fact."

"Lieutenant, get in the bed."

"No."

"Lieutenant –"

"I'm comfortable," she lied, pulling a thin blanket up over her shoulder and closing her eyes in defiance. "And I'm not moving again."

"Hawkeye, this is an order," he growled, his temper rising exponentially.

"Go to sleep!"

Roy threw the sheet off his body and jumped out of bed. Hawkeye's eyes popped open at the sudden commotion, and she frowned as she watched him approach.

"If you refuse to sleep in the bed and want to subject yourself to the cold and uncomfortable floor, then I will too," he huffed. Roy had already felt himself shiver from the cold but remained steadfast in his resolve.

" _What_?"

"I mean it," he stated confidently. "If you're going to be this petty –"

" _Petty_?" Hawkeye echoed, offended.

"Yes."

"I just want to sleep!" she exploded, but she didn't raise her voice too high. She did, however, forcefully shove herself up and into a seated position. "You're the one who won't shut up and who keeps fidgeting! How can I fall asleep when you've got ants in your pants just a foot away from me? It's like trying to sleep during an earthquake!"

"I'm sorry!" he replied, volume of his voice rising, but Roy caught himself. He took a deep breath and willed himself to calm down. "I'm sorry," he repeated, his tone much more civil. "I didn't realise I fidgeted a lot in bed. I was just... nervous. And I was worried about doing something that could be construed as unprofessional. It wouldn't be intentional, of course, but it’s still not an ideal situation," he added. "I apologise."

The room was silent as Hawkeye regarded him. Although, it felt like he was on trial, waiting for her verdict.

"Fine," she relented sourly. "But if you start squirming again, it's your ass on the floor, not mine."

Roy frowned. "That's not fair," he began without thinking but Hawkeye's expression quickly had him backpedalling. "All right! All right, sorry. Okay, I will."

Tentatively, Roy re-entered the bed they'd found themselves in for the night. It was just one night. He could survive one night with Hawkeye sleeping next to him, couldn't he? It wasn't the first time it had happened...

Yeah... He'd be fine, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> roy: breathes  
> riza: chokeslammed thru a desk. obliterated, sir.


	2. Chapter 2

Roy woke up in the morning with his face pressed into something warm and soft. There was a faint smell of shea butter filling his nostrils as he twitched his nose, discovering something was tickling it. He moaned weakly and shifted his head, trying to move away from whatever was annoying him, but didn’t get too far. Gently, his nose bumped against something hard. Blearily, Roy’s eyes opened and he blinked to try and clear his vision. Why was everything in front of him yellow? No, not yellow. The colour was golden. It reminded him of… Hawkeye’s hair…

His entire body stiffened.

He was pressed right up against her back. His face had been buried in her hair as he’d slept. The smell of her shampoo was still tantalising, tempting to draw him back in, but the shock and horror of discovering himself in this compromising position doused that desire out rapidly. Because not only was he pressed up against her back, but he’d been _spooning_ her in his sleep. His right arm went over the top of her upper arm, and he was currently gripping the back of her hand tightly. Both hands were pressed in towards her neck and he could feel her breath caressing his wrist. He shivered at the contact –

 _No, this is not good!_ Hawkeye was going to kill him.

Cheeks red, he slowly began to disentangle himself from her. Her hand went limp underneath his after he let go. A soft sigh left Hawkeye upon the loss of contact and Roy swallowed. He had to be slow and careful.

Leaning forward, he lifted his eyes to the heavens as his chest was pressed against her back even more. He needed the leverage to remove his hand from the little cocoon she’d made with her own arms around his.

 _So, it wasn’t entirely his fault then_.

His face was a grimace, his tongue stuck out in concentration as he moved as slow as he could. Once his arm was hovering over her body, and he thought he’d gotten off scot-free, Hawkeye shifted in her sleep, rolling over so she came face to face with his chest. Roy thought he saw his life flash before his eyes.

Did… Did Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye just _cuddle into him_? A soft sigh left her once she was settled. Her hands were curled underneath her chin and pressed into her neck as her face pressed into his stomach.

_Oh, dear God. Please._

Roy continued rolling over in place, moving slowly so he wouldn’t disturb her further. He settled onto his back to collect himself. He needed to lower his heart rate and process what he’d just been through. His forearm was slung over his eyes as he felt a flush of shame, embarrassment, and something else that was _completely_ inappropriate spread over his cheeks. _Damn his subconscious for betraying him like that!_

Gently, he removed himself from the cursed bed and booked it to the bathroom. He needed a shower. Desperately.

* * *

He’d gone out for breakfast for them both and during that time, Hawkeye had showered and dressed herself. After Roy returned he caught her buttoning her uniform jacket. He stuttered to a stop, remembering how soft her hands had been as they’d gripped onto his while she slept. Hawkeye had just looked at him expectantly while he stared. Grinning sheepishly, he lifted the cup holder that contained two coffee cups as he tried to recover.

“Thank you for the cuddle this morning, Sir,” Hawkeye deadpanned, face completely straight, as she checked her appearance over in the mirror one final time before they left to go to work.

Roy, on the other hand, felt the colour drain from his face. The towel he’d been drying his hands on from the bathroom fell to the floor.

_Oh my God… She knows._

"I'm a dead man, aren't I?" he quipped, a nervous smile appearing on his face as he geared up to apologise.

“On the contrary, it was… rather nice.”

“… What?” Roy blinked.

“You heard me, Sir,” she replied, but he caught the hint of a smirk on her face as she turned around to pick up her weapon from her bedside table. She holstered it and approached the door of their hotel room. Holding it open, she turned to look at him, a complete professional.

 _She knew all along…_ Had she been _awake_ as he’d tried to disentangle himself from her? Had _Riza Hawkeye_ been _faking_ sleep as that happened?!

“Are you coming, Sir?” she prompted. Her expression gave nothing away. Roy was sure his did. His cheeks were probably bright pink.

“Uh, yes. Of course,” he stuttered like a fool.

He walked out, in the process of shrugging on his overcoat as Hawkeye ensured their door was securely locked.

“Perhaps,” she murmured as she busied herself. “We could do the same again tonight?” she asked. Deadly serious.

As Roy spluttered and stuttered for a response, he heard her laughing to herself as she walked down the hallway.


End file.
